It Was a Very Weird Year ...

With apologies to Frank Sinatra, I can't really say 2006 was a very good year. It was a stressful year with some really good parts. Here are some of the highlights in this year's report card:

Medical: I have spent my entire life being healthy. Not just being healthy, refusing to even consider not being healthy. While others around me have concerns about their health (real and imagined), I do not consider my health. I'm fine -- just leave me alone, and I'll continue to be fine. No further discussion. Well, this was the year for thinking about my health. Let's see -- first there was the colon cancer scare, then the breast cancer scare, then the high blood pressure scare, then the liver cancer scare (combined with the Hepatitis scare), and, finishing out the year, the esophageal cancer scare. I have had every conceivable medical test known to man and some unknown. Thank God for good insurance because my total out-of-pocket cost was under $400, but a lot of trees died to pay for all the pages added to my file this year. (I still have one more endoscopy for the esophageal thing but that's in 2007, so I'll think about that tomorrow, Scarlet.) Grade: D

Political: I've spent so much of the last six years being angry about the direction our country is going in, and this year's election was a big positive. I'm so offended that we have now lost more soldiers in Iraq than were killed in the Twin Towers, and we've still not caught Bin Laden. Obviously, Saddam Hussein was a very bad man but it's a travesty that we spent all that money and lives on catching and killing him and it's resulted in nothing but embarrassment for us as a nation. As a lifetime Kennedy democrat, I'm obviously excited that democrats now have control of both houses, but really, it's not so much about political parties -- it's about taking power away from the cynical people who have been running our country. Grade: A+

Sudoku: Why does this get its own category? Because, of all the things that have touched my life in a positive way this year, Sudoku is The Bomb! When both of my sisters told me they were doing Sudoku puzzles, I wanted to puke. I'm not a puzzle person, except for crosswords, and I hate games -- all types of games except computer solitaire. (Excluding, of course, the fact that I am a major sports junkie -- non-participatory, of course.) I've moved from doing the very simple ones through the Black Belt book and now I'm working my way through the Sudoku Samurai book. Seriously, I've been worried for some time that I was losing my mind -- not going crazy, but suffering from early Alzheimer's. My memory is shot and it's either that or severe estrogen deprivation. So I regard Sudoku as exercise for my brain, and I actually believe it has sharpened my concentration. Maybe it's coincidence, but i don't think so. Grade: A

Financial Stability: In a word, sucks. For various reasons, we may have to move within the next three months. We like the house we're in, but may not be able to stay here. We went out house-hunting this weekend and we still believe this is the best value for the money in our area -- space, yard for the dogs, amenities, etc. The commute is still awful, but as long as we're here in this metro area, it's fine. Oh, well, I guess it will work out the way it does, but we're not happy. So, sucks. Grade: D


Weight: Remember the old adage, what goes up must come down? Well, whoever said that hasn't seen my scale recently. I'm heavier than I've ever been, despite dieting all year. What the heck is that about? And remember all those health issues? The liver (diagnosed as "fatty"), the blood pressure (identified as "high")? Well, needless to say, lowered weight would help all those issues. Grade: D

Football: All my teams suck this year. Well, Georgia beat the Hokies last night, and that's a plus, but that's about it. Washington Redskins - losers. Carolina Panthers - losers. Atlanta Falcons - losers, losers, losers. Grade: D

Career: By my age, most people are either (a) successful or (b) getting ready to retire anyway. In my current financial state, I'll be working till I'm 80, and that's assuming I win the lottery. And my current job is driving me crazy. I love it, and I'm pretty good at it, but I live every day in fear that I'll be "position eliminated." At almost 60, I'm scared to death I won't be able to find another job. Grade: C

Writing: I haven't done any in the last year. Nada. Grade: F

Daughters/Family: My family - two daughters, eight grandchildren, four dogs, two sisters, and the semi-spouse - are great. I'm devastated that both my daughters are apparently going to get divorced within the next year. I can't believe they're going to walk down that path of single parenthood that they've always criticized me for, but I support their choices. (My dogs are not going to divorce me -- if anything, they're more committed to me and I to them. This could be because I let them lick the beaters when I make cookies.) The semi-spouse - what can I say? We met 21 years ago next month, and are still together. Some days it's better than others, but we're basically pretty happy together. We would like to end up near the grandchildren in NC, but with the current turmoil in those families, it probably isn't the time. The only negative is his kids. We had a good relationship with his daughter and son-in-law until this year -- I'm not quite sure what happened but things have gone downhill. We'd like to get that relationship back. Grade: A-

Knitting: My knitting, as always, sustains me. Knitting is like a good friend, or a sister. It's there for you when your team is losing, you can take it with you almost anywhere, and it's always different and challenging. I knit when the semi-spouse had knee surgery early this year, and I knit in doctors' waiting rooms while waiting to be told I do (or do not) have a dread disease and am (or am not) going to die quite soon. I have loved being able to knit for others -- Children in Common is one of my favorite charities, but there are others I've knit for this year, and it's been wonderful to have had a way to contribute when I didn't have cash. As much as I've been opposed to the war in Iraq, I've been able to knit 8 or 10 helmet liners for the soldiers in Afghanistan, and this coming year I'll knit Socks for Soldiers. Some little children in the country formerly known as Russia will have warm feet and bodies because of the socks and vests I've made. And some premature babies will have warm heads. And the Atlanta Knitting Guild -- what can I say about that group? I have loved, loved, loved being a part of it. The people are wonderful -- they inspire me every day! And the blog world -- the internet has opened up a whole new community that I love being part of. Grade: A+

Sobriety: 21 years in January. No need to say more. Grade: A+

Friends: Linda and Cathy, Nydia, Whit, Donna. Lots of old friends I've lost touch with - Barbara and Loye, Jack and Irene, Diane and Hal. I need to make amends to Ruth. I haven't spoken to her in about two years now and that's unconscionable. I owe her a letter -- am too afraid of rejection if I call. That will be my first 2007 act -- call Ruth tomorrow. Grade: C

Overall Ranking: 2.41667 = a solid C.

Well, I guess it could be way worse! I'll quit complaining now!

Burned Out?

I have always fought the idea that I might be depressed. I grew up in a family marked by mental illness -- my mother and her father both suffered from it -- and at least one of my family members (and several, if we're being honest about it) take antidepressants. So I could be excused if I claimed that depression is the cause of my general screwedupedness. But I fight the concept, while secretly wishing there was a magic substance that might cure it all and make me normal, successful, happy.

Depression connotes some chemical imbalance, something that's up that should be down. A frailty, if you like. An excuse, even. And it connotes my mother. Not to pick on her, but her battle with mental illness, diagnosed in the 50's as paranoid schizophrenia and treated with an ever-changing string of drugs, impacted every aspect of her life, and that of my family. So I'm not complaining, just saying I'm not anxious to align myself with that particular trick of DNA if I don't have to.

But, on the other hand, if I'm not clinically depressed, there's just no way around it --I 'm just a fuckup, apparently. I'm almost 60, with a long history of just general what-were-you-thinking behavior paired with well-you-didn't-do-that-either-did-you?. And no excuse for it. Well, for awhile I could blame it on drinking, but I haven't had a drink in over 20 years (it will be 21 on January 11, God willing and the creek don't rise), so that's out.

So imagine my glee to see on the Today show last week that what I have is Burnout. Burnout -- so innocent sounding, but obviously potentially devastating. So, a little research. From one website (one offering a cure, needless to say):

- Chronic fatigue - exhaustion, tiredness, a sense of being physically run down
- Anger at those making demands (well, duh!)
- Self-criticism for putting up with the demands (oh, yeah)
- Cynicism, negativity, and irritability
- A sense of being besieged
- Exploding easily at seemingly inconsequential things (what the hell are you talking about!)
- Frequent headaches and gastrointestinal disturbances
- Weight loss or gain
- Sleeplessness and depression
- Shortness of breath
- Suspiciousness
- Feelings of helplessness
- Increased degree of risk taking

(From www.assessment.com - no association or endorsement, just trying to avoid a copyright complaint)

So, I score 100%, although to be perfectly honest, I think the weight gain and shortness of breath might be related to too much fast food and not enough exercise. But I definitely have the feelings of helplessness and being besieged.

Here's another definition from another website (also a self-help for a price site) and a quote:

"According to Herbert J. Freudenberger, the New York psychologist who coined the term in 1972, burnout describes a specific condition. It is an emotional state characterized by an overwhelming and enduring feeling of exhaustion or aggravation. Burnout is a condition that develops gradually as the person's creativity and effectiveness erode into fatigue, skepticism and an inability to function productively."

"An overburdened, over-stretched executive is the best executive, because he or she doesn't have the time to meddle, to deal in trivia, to bother people."~ Jack Welch ~

(From www.coachtree.com - ditto to above comment)

Well, the Welch quote is probably relevant because work lately hasn't been very fun, and our executives are Welch-enthusiasts. I love my job, but we're stretched tighter and tighter as we cut costs (and headcount). This year, even our performance review templates mention it -- something like, " have you communicated our company vision to your employees, reminding them that we've raised the bar, again?"

Yup, we've raised the bar again. We're doing more with less, honing processes to be more cost-effective and more productive, cutting costs. We don't want our customers to feel the pinch, and they shouldn't, but it does put pressure on the employees. This year was pretty tough. My group's goals were high -- but no higher than other similar groups -- and we cut costs, including resources, tools, and travel. We made about 75% of our goals, plus completed two or three major goals that weren't even contemplated when the goals were identified. But there's a little added stress, because ...

I'm going to be rated on meeting those goals, and I didn't. And that's stressful. And the coming year will be even tighter, assuming that I'm not one of the headcount that gets cut. Add to that the stress of some housing and money-related issues we're facing right now, the health-related issues I've had this year, and the stress of family issues, and, yes, I'm burned out.

So it's nice to have a diagnosis. Now, the question is, what next?