My Brain?

Your Brain is Purple

Of all the brain types, yours is the most idealistic. You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense. Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

What Color Is Your Brain?

I Am Not a Republican - Not Much, That Is!

I am: 10% Republican.

"You're a tax-and-spend liberal democrat. People like you are the reason everyone else votes for guys like Reagan or George W."

Are You A Republican?

Discernment? No, but ...

We all go through peaks and valleys. I'm in a valley now, at a low point. I don't think I'm bipolar, though it definitely runs in my family. But I'm usually either up or down, with little middle. A little middle would be good. These extremes wear me out.

Not that I'm depressed right now, or what I would consider depressed. No, depressed (in my world) means can't get out of bed, doesn't want to go on. That's not where I am. I'm out, but I'm not enjoying life. Maybe this is related to the fact that I'm changing my eating habits, and I don't have those trips to McDonald's to cheer me up. There's nothing like a Big Mac to take the edge off realizing your life is hopeless. Nope, I'm actually having to live with myself, which is the equivalent of being one of those animals that chews off its own tail.

The good news about these valley periods is that they usually coincide with some introspective thinking about my life. The bad news is that when I hit the peak again, I tend to be so "high" that I lose sight of the future--I'm so focused on being up, that's all I can think of.

What does this have to do with discernment? Probably nothing. Discernment is a process of determining whether one has a "calling" to the church. I wish I did...I would like to have a richer spiritual life, but I think I'm destined to be on the edge, not in the middle of the religious life. But I'm ready to "discern" what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I am wondering what the heck I'm going to do--hypothetically I've got 35-40 years, but realistically probably 25-30 years, maybe 25 years of time I can really expect to contribute something to society.

I spent the first two-third of my life (note that I'm planning for an age of at least 90!) in pretty self-indulgent ways. Even when I was raising my kids, and concentrating on them and my family, I was pretty self-directed. And by that I mean self to include me and mine--not the outside world.

Now I'd like to find a way to contribute something to someone. I don't want to get to the end wishing I'd done something meaninful with these few years we're given. And, while I can get all excited about the thought of devoting my life to some missionary life of charity, it's probably not too realistic. I have no savings, and will probably have to work for the rest of my life.

And, as much as I'd like to be that type of person, I'm not the type that's going to give up family, house, possessions to go live among the poor. That's a picture that I'd like to have of myself, but it's not a true picture. I'm fairly selfish, and, as I said, self-indulgent.

Still, I would like to find a way to make more of a contribution. And I'm not quite sure what that means. I'm praying hard right now to find what God wants from me.

I've always thought I would make a good teacher. I'd love to teach reading...to transmit to others the world that books open up. But I'm not trained to teach. I checked online last night--a Master's in education from Phoenix Online would cost me $26,000+. I just don't have it. Is there another way to teach reading without that master's degree?

Or ESL. Could I find a way to get a certificate that would enable me to help someone?

I'm going to check out Hands On Atlanta. Maybe there are some thoughts there.

Technology

We put together my old computer when I was doing real estate appraisals. That makes it at least 7 years ago, because that's when I changed jobs. So, probably 2 or 3 years before that. It was, at the time, top of the line, if not a "name brand." It had the then-enormous amount of 256 mb of memory--needed because of the graphics programs I was running for the appraisals. We owned a computer repair company at that point, and the foreign-born techs from our company who built it for me assured me that it was wayyyyyy overpowered, especially for a woman.

Fast forward to 2007. Neither of the two USB ports work, and really only one of them ever did. But who cared, back then? What in the world would "woman" do with more than one USB port? So, when the working port failed, no more printer. And it makes these odd noises. The semi-spouse believes that it has to do with overheating, but the fact is, it starts to make the noise, sort of like a repetitive ooh-a-ooh-a-ooh, almost immediately. At other times, it might go days before making the noise.

New computer needed. The semi-spouse, long away from the technology world, still thinks it's overpowered and I'm overreacting. I finally stopped talking to him about it, and just began plotting to get a new one. I decided on a notebook, with wireless capability, not because I think I'm going to be running around the country with it, but to give me some flexibility.

Well, I've had it almost a month, and this is the second time I've used it. Jake set it up for me, which was a big mistake because something doesn't work right and, since I didn't set it up myself, I don't know what it is. I think it's an incompatibility between the wireless router and the external modem supplied by my internet company, but I'm damned if I can figure it out.

And to top it all off, it's Windows VISTA, which probably means that none of my programs from my old computer will work anyway. Hmmm....another f'ing growth experience.

And it hasn't been a great month for technology. Let's take it in order:

(1) computer - 'nuff said

(2) new digital camera - maybe I'll figure it out eventually, but I haven't yet.

(3) my daughter gave me her Bluetooth device for my cellphone. I couldn't make them recognize each other, but one of the guys at work got it to work in about 2 minutes. What was I doing wrong? No clue

(4) forgot about the portable DVD that Jake gave me for Valentine's Day. I managed to play one DVD on it, but now I've got it hooked up to the auxiliary battery and can't unhook it.

(5) our TIVO died--Direct TV brought a new box and a new remote. I can't figure out how to record with the new remote. What's the point of a TIVO if you can't record?

(6) finally, we went to Virginia this weekend and I drove K's Suburban. Was baffled by both the air conditioning and the GPS, and never even attempted the DVD player or the satellite radio. What a waste!

At one point, I would have asked "is it the technology or is it me?" Now, I guess I know the answer.

Life is Just a Bowl of Stress

What an incredibly stressful month this has been. Here at Chez Pug, we're working on some financial/housing changes that have been time-consuming but also stressful. When I was selling real estate years ago, we were told that buying or selling a house is one of the 3 or 4 most stressful life events that people experience, right after death of a spouse and divorce. I truly believe it! I bought my first house in 1976, sold it in 1979 to buy a new house with my former husband, sold that one against my will in 2002, and have been living in what I consider to be interim housing ever since.

Part of my problem, I think, is that I'm still not convinced, 5 years later, that I'm in GA for good. It feels temporary, interim, impermanent. I keep thinking that something will happen, we'll move somewhere else -- either back to Virginia or to North Carolina near my daughters. Maybe something crazy like Albuquerque! I've been fighting the idea that we're staying here. But, obviously, we are. Next Wednesday I will celebrate my 7th anniversary with my company -- seems like I've made a commitment. (I sure hope they have!)

Anyway, we're moving toward a permanent solution and that's been stressful.

Then, there's work. I have a new year-long assignment, in addition to my other projects, that will take a week or so every quarter, but those days will be incredibly high-profile in the company, and it will either be wonderful or crappy. No middle ground.

And there's a lot going on at work anyway, without a new assignment. My job changes on an hourly basis, depending on what kinds of trouble the employees get into. So there's a constant deluge of minor thefts, threats, employees losing their equipment, employees getting into trouble oversea, etc. So we're constantly investigating something. Plus, last week I had to make presentations to each of our executive vice presidents and our acting CEO individually, to make sure I'm on the right track with them. I have one more to complete, tomorrow morning.

Add to that, this week our department held a big kickoff meeting with all the folks in other cities coming here. More presentations, more Power Points, more peppy, motivational behavior. In the middle of all that, we had a major problem in one of our buildings that put me at odds with one of said executives. Not a great week.

I'm hoping March will be better. What do you want to bet?

Performance Reviews

We're in the middle of our annual performance review period at work. Once a year we formally review every employee's performance, putting down on paper all the coaching and conversations we've had over the year. This has a couple of purposes: First, it's just a part of good people management, I guess, to review how the year went and to look toward the next year. And, in our company at least, one's "rating" relates to the pay increase percentage that will be recommended for the coming year.

So, let's review (a little performance appraisal humor here). Talk about the year, what went right, what could have gone better, where we're going next year. Make sure everyone's on track. Whether this is a joyful or a tearful exercise depends on a lot of things, including the employee's self-esteem, the manager's skill and empathy, and how well you managed the things under your control and not.

Yesterday I gave two reviews (one still left to give today) and got mine. Two of the exercises didn't go as planned. Interesting.

First, my review. I had a pretty good year - very stressful, very full, mostly successful. I figured I would be rated "meets expectations," a solid C. (I would have rated myself higher, but my boss is a very tough grader.) Anyway, the ratings at The Big Corporation are (1) Exceeds all expectations - walks on water, cures cancer, makes the dead walk; (2) Exceeds most expectations - we hired her to cure cancer and she cured muscular dystrophy too; (3) Meets expectations - she said she could cure cancer and she did; (4) Meets most expectations - she said she could cure cancer, she was only able to cure acne, but she did it; and (5) Needs improvement - she's outta here as soon as we can figure out how to document it properly and find a box for all her stuff.

My manager started the meeting by re-visiting 2003, when I was doing a new job for which I was mostly unqualified and it wasn't going well. The lowest point in my time at TBC. His point yesterday was to demonstrate to me how far I'd come since then. That year was a tough one, but I've been pretty successful since then - big promotion to director, all that. But when he started to talk about that period yesterday, I was not a happy bear. It was like reliving that day in junior high when the big boys pushed you up against the lockers and pulled down your boxers in front of the cheerleaders. (Well, that never happened, but you know what I mean - I just didn't need to go there again!)

Then he went on to say, "well, golleeeee (southern for "who knew she wouldn't laugh?"), I thought you'd enjoy that walk down memory lane." Uh, no. And, no. Then he went on to give me my review - a solid "meets expectations." Exceeded some expectations, no big problems, missed one objective, but accomplished two or three that weren't planned. So, about what I expected.

Okay, on to the ones I delivered. First, new guy, just started. "Meets expectations" - you've been here 90 days, you've done some good things, you've still got a lot to learn about the company culture, you're on track to have a great year. No problem.

Then, somewhat newer guy - here about 13 months. I had to fight like a mother tiger to get my manager to approve "exceeds most expectations" for this guy. He had a hell of a year - not completely perfect, but he brought a lot to the company. One little hiccup that I pointed out, but no big deal. My manager is kind of old school and he thinks that there's no way you can exceed expectations in your first year on a new job, but this guy did - he really did. And I battled like a Viking for this guy and was SOOOO excited to give him his review. And ... he cried. Copiously. Because I had said he wasn't perfect, that he had an opportunity to improve. And how could that be - he had to be perfect. We were together until 7:30 in my office, and I still don't think he got it, but at least he left, clutching his tissues.

And it got me reflecting about what our expectations for ourselves are. Today (completely coincidentally) marks the 21st anniversary of my sobriety. On January 10, 1986, I had my last drink (I hope) and on January 11 I joined AA. So, a big day in a lot of ways, and yet, I've had 20 of them that were more significant just because it's such a fricking miracle to make that first one, and then after 21, it's easy to forget how tough the first year was. So, from one point of view in my life, today I'm a success.

But the real fact is that we grade ourselves so hard in this life. Performance at work is certainly important, especially when it relates to dollars in your pocket, but it's only a piece of the big picture. The employee who took my review so hard is a genuinely good person, a great father, a loving husband, son and sibling. Why should my review ding his self-esteem? It's only one piece of the puzzle.

But we allow how others see us to affect our own views of ourselves. And, for all I know, I might be crazy, and my view of that employee totally off the wall, bullshit, crapola. I'm trying not to let my view of myself be impacted by my boss' view. I'd rather see my "solid C" performance, which I still think should have been a B at least, as just one piece of my total being. Far more important is how am I viewed by my daughters, my granddaughters, the semi-spouse, the pugs, my friends, the knitting guild members I serve. (And I keep bribing the pugs with treats, because I can.)

Trying to keep it all in perspective, one day at a time.

A Sad Day (and not so much)

This was a very sad day at The Big Corporation where I work. Our CEO, who had taken a leave of absence in November because of cancer, passed away last night. Suffering from what was only described to employees as "a virulent form of cancer," he had recently undergone radical surgery and was in the chemotherapy process. He was well enough in early December to attend the holiday party, and we got a report yesterday that he was working out three times a week and walking two miles a day -- pretty typical behavior for this Type A guy. A week ago, he started a foundation to raise money to research ways to cure cancer.

Then today, we learned that he had died of something called Sudden Death Syndrome, which apparently occurs when the body is so stressed by the chemo process that it just quits. Amazing! He was only 49, and led an extremely active life up to this point. He was also a genuinely good person, an innovator in the industry, and committed to helping other people.

Goodbye, Garry. You will be sorely missed.

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In other news in the Pug household, the CEO of The Even Larger Corporation that employs the semi-spouse, was dramatically fired today -- if you can call it being fired when you leave with a $210 million severance package. After gutting everything good about TELC for several years, he has now spoiled their hopes of making a profit for several years, while his buyout continues. In my opinion, the payoff should have been made with their Kidnap and Ransom policy.

In stark contrast to the somber mode at TBC today, where grief counselors stalked the halls comforting tear-streaked employees mourning the passing of a truly good person, the employees at TELC were said to be dancing the proverbial jig, and singing choruses of "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead." I'm sure he was oblivious on his way to the bank with his bags of ill-gotten gain. (I have a mental picture of Scrooge McDuck sitting in his vault among his bags of loot. Where are the Beagle Boys, lurking around to rob him when you need them?)

Goodbye, Bob, and good riddance.

Resolutions, I've Had a Few ...

I'm really in the Frank Sinatra mode, here aren't I? He's probably spinning in his grave. Oh, well.

I hate New Year's resolutions. When I make them, I break them within days, sometimes even within hours. I make them because it's traditional to make them, and I break them because, well, because I'm me. I have almost no resolve (pun intended). And when I do make them, they're always the same: save money, lose weight, be a better person, lose weight, change everything about my life that makes me miserable, the usual.

So, that's out for this year. I'm over that. But I did think of a few things that might be do-able and that I might even enjoy:

(1) Make at least one knitted thing for charity per month, or 12 a year. (This is a holdover from last year, and, while I didn't keep track, I think I was pretty close or exceeded, what with helmet liners, CIC vests, CIC socks, preemie hats.)

(2) Find a way not to be totally pissed off when the Christmas season comes around. Every year it hits me as a complete surprise and I'm never prepared, financially or emotionally, and I always end up pissed off. This year, I'd like to do a few things all year to keep myself in the spirit--maybe plan for an all-knitting tree and maybe an all-old-Santa tree, maybe even try that outrageous Aran tree skirt I keep seeing on blogs.

(3) Try to be sane about my weight. Eat when I'm hungry, and try not to eat out of emotion or boredom. Try to cut out the fast food. Try to move a little. Cut myself some slack when I fail.

(4) Look for some other income sources. I'd still like to get into indexing but I'm not sure how to do it. Really take the time to explore that and some other options. EBay?

(5) Write.

(6) Develop the Mystery Traveler website. I've been paying for the domain name. Set it up and do it.

(7) Try to handle crap situations with dignity and grace. We've got a lot of finance/housing issues coming our way, and possibly some job issues. And maybe health issues--2006 was certainly an eye-opener for me of all the things that can happen, but happily haven't yet. Try not to be an ass when handling those situations. (Whining belongs in a blog because none of your family and friends want to hear it. The blog readers, if any, can always hit the escape key.

(8) Enjoy the moment.