What an incredibly stressful month this has been. Here at Chez Pug, we're working on some financial/housing changes that have been time-consuming but also stressful. When I was selling real estate years ago, we were told that buying or selling a house is one of the 3 or 4 most stressful life events that people experience, right after death of a spouse and divorce. I truly believe it! I bought my first house in 1976, sold it in 1979 to buy a new house with my former husband, sold that one against my will in 2002, and have been living in what I consider to be interim housing ever since.
Part of my problem, I think, is that I'm still not convinced, 5 years later, that I'm in GA for good. It feels temporary, interim, impermanent. I keep thinking that something will happen, we'll move somewhere else -- either back to Virginia or to North Carolina near my daughters. Maybe something crazy like Albuquerque! I've been fighting the idea that we're staying here. But, obviously, we are. Next Wednesday I will celebrate my 7th anniversary with my company -- seems like I've made a commitment. (I sure hope they have!)
Anyway, we're moving toward a permanent solution and that's been stressful.
Then, there's work. I have a new year-long assignment, in addition to my other projects, that will take a week or so every quarter, but those days will be incredibly high-profile in the company, and it will either be wonderful or crappy. No middle ground.
And there's a lot going on at work anyway, without a new assignment. My job changes on an hourly basis, depending on what kinds of trouble the employees get into. So there's a constant deluge of minor thefts, threats, employees losing their equipment, employees getting into trouble oversea, etc. So we're constantly investigating something. Plus, last week I had to make presentations to each of our executive vice presidents and our acting CEO individually, to make sure I'm on the right track with them. I have one more to complete, tomorrow morning.
Add to that, this week our department held a big kickoff meeting with all the folks in other cities coming here. More presentations, more Power Points, more peppy, motivational behavior. In the middle of all that, we had a major problem in one of our buildings that put me at odds with one of said executives. Not a great week.
I'm hoping March will be better. What do you want to bet?
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Performance Reviews
We're in the middle of our annual performance review period at work. Once a year we formally review every employee's performance, putting down on paper all the coaching and conversations we've had over the year. This has a couple of purposes: First, it's just a part of good people management, I guess, to review how the year went and to look toward the next year. And, in our company at least, one's "rating" relates to the pay increase percentage that will be recommended for the coming year.
So, let's review (a little performance appraisal humor here). Talk about the year, what went right, what could have gone better, where we're going next year. Make sure everyone's on track. Whether this is a joyful or a tearful exercise depends on a lot of things, including the employee's self-esteem, the manager's skill and empathy, and how well you managed the things under your control and not.
Yesterday I gave two reviews (one still left to give today) and got mine. Two of the exercises didn't go as planned. Interesting.
First, my review. I had a pretty good year - very stressful, very full, mostly successful. I figured I would be rated "meets expectations," a solid C. (I would have rated myself higher, but my boss is a very tough grader.) Anyway, the ratings at The Big Corporation are (1) Exceeds all expectations - walks on water, cures cancer, makes the dead walk; (2) Exceeds most expectations - we hired her to cure cancer and she cured muscular dystrophy too; (3) Meets expectations - she said she could cure cancer and she did; (4) Meets most expectations - she said she could cure cancer, she was only able to cure acne, but she did it; and (5) Needs improvement - she's outta here as soon as we can figure out how to document it properly and find a box for all her stuff.
My manager started the meeting by re-visiting 2003, when I was doing a new job for which I was mostly unqualified and it wasn't going well. The lowest point in my time at TBC. His point yesterday was to demonstrate to me how far I'd come since then. That year was a tough one, but I've been pretty successful since then - big promotion to director, all that. But when he started to talk about that period yesterday, I was not a happy bear. It was like reliving that day in junior high when the big boys pushed you up against the lockers and pulled down your boxers in front of the cheerleaders. (Well, that never happened, but you know what I mean - I just didn't need to go there again!)
Then he went on to say, "well, golleeeee (southern for "who knew she wouldn't laugh?"), I thought you'd enjoy that walk down memory lane." Uh, no. And, no. Then he went on to give me my review - a solid "meets expectations." Exceeded some expectations, no big problems, missed one objective, but accomplished two or three that weren't planned. So, about what I expected.
Okay, on to the ones I delivered. First, new guy, just started. "Meets expectations" - you've been here 90 days, you've done some good things, you've still got a lot to learn about the company culture, you're on track to have a great year. No problem.
Then, somewhat newer guy - here about 13 months. I had to fight like a mother tiger to get my manager to approve "exceeds most expectations" for this guy. He had a hell of a year - not completely perfect, but he brought a lot to the company. One little hiccup that I pointed out, but no big deal. My manager is kind of old school and he thinks that there's no way you can exceed expectations in your first year on a new job, but this guy did - he really did. And I battled like a Viking for this guy and was SOOOO excited to give him his review. And ... he cried. Copiously. Because I had said he wasn't perfect, that he had an opportunity to improve. And how could that be - he had to be perfect. We were together until 7:30 in my office, and I still don't think he got it, but at least he left, clutching his tissues.
And it got me reflecting about what our expectations for ourselves are. Today (completely coincidentally) marks the 21st anniversary of my sobriety. On January 10, 1986, I had my last drink (I hope) and on January 11 I joined AA. So, a big day in a lot of ways, and yet, I've had 20 of them that were more significant just because it's such a fricking miracle to make that first one, and then after 21, it's easy to forget how tough the first year was. So, from one point of view in my life, today I'm a success.
But the real fact is that we grade ourselves so hard in this life. Performance at work is certainly important, especially when it relates to dollars in your pocket, but it's only a piece of the big picture. The employee who took my review so hard is a genuinely good person, a great father, a loving husband, son and sibling. Why should my review ding his self-esteem? It's only one piece of the puzzle.
But we allow how others see us to affect our own views of ourselves. And, for all I know, I might be crazy, and my view of that employee totally off the wall, bullshit, crapola. I'm trying not to let my view of myself be impacted by my boss' view. I'd rather see my "solid C" performance, which I still think should have been a B at least, as just one piece of my total being. Far more important is how am I viewed by my daughters, my granddaughters, the semi-spouse, the pugs, my friends, the knitting guild members I serve. (And I keep bribing the pugs with treats, because I can.)
Trying to keep it all in perspective, one day at a time.
So, let's review (a little performance appraisal humor here). Talk about the year, what went right, what could have gone better, where we're going next year. Make sure everyone's on track. Whether this is a joyful or a tearful exercise depends on a lot of things, including the employee's self-esteem, the manager's skill and empathy, and how well you managed the things under your control and not.
Yesterday I gave two reviews (one still left to give today) and got mine. Two of the exercises didn't go as planned. Interesting.
First, my review. I had a pretty good year - very stressful, very full, mostly successful. I figured I would be rated "meets expectations," a solid C. (I would have rated myself higher, but my boss is a very tough grader.) Anyway, the ratings at The Big Corporation are (1) Exceeds all expectations - walks on water, cures cancer, makes the dead walk; (2) Exceeds most expectations - we hired her to cure cancer and she cured muscular dystrophy too; (3) Meets expectations - she said she could cure cancer and she did; (4) Meets most expectations - she said she could cure cancer, she was only able to cure acne, but she did it; and (5) Needs improvement - she's outta here as soon as we can figure out how to document it properly and find a box for all her stuff.
My manager started the meeting by re-visiting 2003, when I was doing a new job for which I was mostly unqualified and it wasn't going well. The lowest point in my time at TBC. His point yesterday was to demonstrate to me how far I'd come since then. That year was a tough one, but I've been pretty successful since then - big promotion to director, all that. But when he started to talk about that period yesterday, I was not a happy bear. It was like reliving that day in junior high when the big boys pushed you up against the lockers and pulled down your boxers in front of the cheerleaders. (Well, that never happened, but you know what I mean - I just didn't need to go there again!)
Then he went on to say, "well, golleeeee (southern for "who knew she wouldn't laugh?"), I thought you'd enjoy that walk down memory lane." Uh, no. And, no. Then he went on to give me my review - a solid "meets expectations." Exceeded some expectations, no big problems, missed one objective, but accomplished two or three that weren't planned. So, about what I expected.
Okay, on to the ones I delivered. First, new guy, just started. "Meets expectations" - you've been here 90 days, you've done some good things, you've still got a lot to learn about the company culture, you're on track to have a great year. No problem.
Then, somewhat newer guy - here about 13 months. I had to fight like a mother tiger to get my manager to approve "exceeds most expectations" for this guy. He had a hell of a year - not completely perfect, but he brought a lot to the company. One little hiccup that I pointed out, but no big deal. My manager is kind of old school and he thinks that there's no way you can exceed expectations in your first year on a new job, but this guy did - he really did. And I battled like a Viking for this guy and was SOOOO excited to give him his review. And ... he cried. Copiously. Because I had said he wasn't perfect, that he had an opportunity to improve. And how could that be - he had to be perfect. We were together until 7:30 in my office, and I still don't think he got it, but at least he left, clutching his tissues.
And it got me reflecting about what our expectations for ourselves are. Today (completely coincidentally) marks the 21st anniversary of my sobriety. On January 10, 1986, I had my last drink (I hope) and on January 11 I joined AA. So, a big day in a lot of ways, and yet, I've had 20 of them that were more significant just because it's such a fricking miracle to make that first one, and then after 21, it's easy to forget how tough the first year was. So, from one point of view in my life, today I'm a success.
But the real fact is that we grade ourselves so hard in this life. Performance at work is certainly important, especially when it relates to dollars in your pocket, but it's only a piece of the big picture. The employee who took my review so hard is a genuinely good person, a great father, a loving husband, son and sibling. Why should my review ding his self-esteem? It's only one piece of the puzzle.
But we allow how others see us to affect our own views of ourselves. And, for all I know, I might be crazy, and my view of that employee totally off the wall, bullshit, crapola. I'm trying not to let my view of myself be impacted by my boss' view. I'd rather see my "solid C" performance, which I still think should have been a B at least, as just one piece of my total being. Far more important is how am I viewed by my daughters, my granddaughters, the semi-spouse, the pugs, my friends, the knitting guild members I serve. (And I keep bribing the pugs with treats, because I can.)
Trying to keep it all in perspective, one day at a time.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
A Sad Day (and not so much)
This was a very sad day at The Big Corporation where I work. Our CEO, who had taken a leave of absence in November because of cancer, passed away last night. Suffering from what was only described to employees as "a virulent form of cancer," he had recently undergone radical surgery and was in the chemotherapy process. He was well enough in early December to attend the holiday party, and we got a report yesterday that he was working out three times a week and walking two miles a day -- pretty typical behavior for this Type A guy. A week ago, he started a foundation to raise money to research ways to cure cancer.
Then today, we learned that he had died of something called Sudden Death Syndrome, which apparently occurs when the body is so stressed by the chemo process that it just quits. Amazing! He was only 49, and led an extremely active life up to this point. He was also a genuinely good person, an innovator in the industry, and committed to helping other people.
Goodbye, Garry. You will be sorely missed.
------------
In other news in the Pug household, the CEO of The Even Larger Corporation that employs the semi-spouse, was dramatically fired today -- if you can call it being fired when you leave with a $210 million severance package. After gutting everything good about TELC for several years, he has now spoiled their hopes of making a profit for several years, while his buyout continues. In my opinion, the payoff should have been made with their Kidnap and Ransom policy.
In stark contrast to the somber mode at TBC today, where grief counselors stalked the halls comforting tear-streaked employees mourning the passing of a truly good person, the employees at TELC were said to be dancing the proverbial jig, and singing choruses of "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead." I'm sure he was oblivious on his way to the bank with his bags of ill-gotten gain. (I have a mental picture of Scrooge McDuck sitting in his vault among his bags of loot. Where are the Beagle Boys, lurking around to rob him when you need them?)
Goodbye, Bob, and good riddance.
Then today, we learned that he had died of something called Sudden Death Syndrome, which apparently occurs when the body is so stressed by the chemo process that it just quits. Amazing! He was only 49, and led an extremely active life up to this point. He was also a genuinely good person, an innovator in the industry, and committed to helping other people.
Goodbye, Garry. You will be sorely missed.
------------
In other news in the Pug household, the CEO of The Even Larger Corporation that employs the semi-spouse, was dramatically fired today -- if you can call it being fired when you leave with a $210 million severance package. After gutting everything good about TELC for several years, he has now spoiled their hopes of making a profit for several years, while his buyout continues. In my opinion, the payoff should have been made with their Kidnap and Ransom policy.
In stark contrast to the somber mode at TBC today, where grief counselors stalked the halls comforting tear-streaked employees mourning the passing of a truly good person, the employees at TELC were said to be dancing the proverbial jig, and singing choruses of "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead." I'm sure he was oblivious on his way to the bank with his bags of ill-gotten gain. (I have a mental picture of Scrooge McDuck sitting in his vault among his bags of loot. Where are the Beagle Boys, lurking around to rob him when you need them?)
Goodbye, Bob, and good riddance.
Monday, January 1, 2007
Resolutions, I've Had a Few ...
I'm really in the Frank Sinatra mode, here aren't I? He's probably spinning in his grave. Oh, well.
I hate New Year's resolutions. When I make them, I break them within days, sometimes even within hours. I make them because it's traditional to make them, and I break them because, well, because I'm me. I have almost no resolve (pun intended). And when I do make them, they're always the same: save money, lose weight, be a better person, lose weight, change everything about my life that makes me miserable, the usual.
So, that's out for this year. I'm over that. But I did think of a few things that might be do-able and that I might even enjoy:
(1) Make at least one knitted thing for charity per month, or 12 a year. (This is a holdover from last year, and, while I didn't keep track, I think I was pretty close or exceeded, what with helmet liners, CIC vests, CIC socks, preemie hats.)
(2) Find a way not to be totally pissed off when the Christmas season comes around. Every year it hits me as a complete surprise and I'm never prepared, financially or emotionally, and I always end up pissed off. This year, I'd like to do a few things all year to keep myself in the spirit--maybe plan for an all-knitting tree and maybe an all-old-Santa tree, maybe even try that outrageous Aran tree skirt I keep seeing on blogs.
(3) Try to be sane about my weight. Eat when I'm hungry, and try not to eat out of emotion or boredom. Try to cut out the fast food. Try to move a little. Cut myself some slack when I fail.
(4) Look for some other income sources. I'd still like to get into indexing but I'm not sure how to do it. Really take the time to explore that and some other options. EBay?
(5) Write.
(6) Develop the Mystery Traveler website. I've been paying for the domain name. Set it up and do it.
(7) Try to handle crap situations with dignity and grace. We've got a lot of finance/housing issues coming our way, and possibly some job issues. And maybe health issues--2006 was certainly an eye-opener for me of all the things that can happen, but happily haven't yet. Try not to be an ass when handling those situations. (Whining belongs in a blog because none of your family and friends want to hear it. The blog readers, if any, can always hit the escape key.
(8) Enjoy the moment.
I hate New Year's resolutions. When I make them, I break them within days, sometimes even within hours. I make them because it's traditional to make them, and I break them because, well, because I'm me. I have almost no resolve (pun intended). And when I do make them, they're always the same: save money, lose weight, be a better person, lose weight, change everything about my life that makes me miserable, the usual.
So, that's out for this year. I'm over that. But I did think of a few things that might be do-able and that I might even enjoy:
(1) Make at least one knitted thing for charity per month, or 12 a year. (This is a holdover from last year, and, while I didn't keep track, I think I was pretty close or exceeded, what with helmet liners, CIC vests, CIC socks, preemie hats.)
(2) Find a way not to be totally pissed off when the Christmas season comes around. Every year it hits me as a complete surprise and I'm never prepared, financially or emotionally, and I always end up pissed off. This year, I'd like to do a few things all year to keep myself in the spirit--maybe plan for an all-knitting tree and maybe an all-old-Santa tree, maybe even try that outrageous Aran tree skirt I keep seeing on blogs.
(3) Try to be sane about my weight. Eat when I'm hungry, and try not to eat out of emotion or boredom. Try to cut out the fast food. Try to move a little. Cut myself some slack when I fail.
(4) Look for some other income sources. I'd still like to get into indexing but I'm not sure how to do it. Really take the time to explore that and some other options. EBay?
(5) Write.
(6) Develop the Mystery Traveler website. I've been paying for the domain name. Set it up and do it.
(7) Try to handle crap situations with dignity and grace. We've got a lot of finance/housing issues coming our way, and possibly some job issues. And maybe health issues--2006 was certainly an eye-opener for me of all the things that can happen, but happily haven't yet. Try not to be an ass when handling those situations. (Whining belongs in a blog because none of your family and friends want to hear it. The blog readers, if any, can always hit the escape key.
(8) Enjoy the moment.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
It Was a Very Weird Year ...
With apologies to Frank Sinatra, I can't really say 2006 was a very good year. It was a stressful year with some really good parts. Here are some of the highlights in this year's report card:
Medical: I have spent my entire life being healthy. Not just being healthy, refusing to even consider not being healthy. While others around me have concerns about their health (real and imagined), I do not consider my health. I'm fine -- just leave me alone, and I'll continue to be fine. No further discussion. Well, this was the year for thinking about my health. Let's see -- first there was the colon cancer scare, then the breast cancer scare, then the high blood pressure scare, then the liver cancer scare (combined with the Hepatitis scare), and, finishing out the year, the esophageal cancer scare. I have had every conceivable medical test known to man and some unknown. Thank God for good insurance because my total out-of-pocket cost was under $400, but a lot of trees died to pay for all the pages added to my file this year. (I still have one more endoscopy for the esophageal thing but that's in 2007, so I'll think about that tomorrow, Scarlet.) Grade: D
Political: I've spent so much of the last six years being angry about the direction our country is going in, and this year's election was a big positive. I'm so offended that we have now lost more soldiers in Iraq than were killed in the Twin Towers, and we've still not caught Bin Laden. Obviously, Saddam Hussein was a very bad man but it's a travesty that we spent all that money and lives on catching and killing him and it's resulted in nothing but embarrassment for us as a nation. As a lifetime Kennedy democrat, I'm obviously excited that democrats now have control of both houses, but really, it's not so much about political parties -- it's about taking power away from the cynical people who have been running our country. Grade: A+
Sudoku: Why does this get its own category? Because, of all the things that have touched my life in a positive way this year, Sudoku is The Bomb! When both of my sisters told me they were doing Sudoku puzzles, I wanted to puke. I'm not a puzzle person, except for crosswords, and I hate games -- all types of games except computer solitaire. (Excluding, of course, the fact that I am a major sports junkie -- non-participatory, of course.) I've moved from doing the very simple ones through the Black Belt book and now I'm working my way through the Sudoku Samurai book. Seriously, I've been worried for some time that I was losing my mind -- not going crazy, but suffering from early Alzheimer's. My memory is shot and it's either that or severe estrogen deprivation. So I regard Sudoku as exercise for my brain, and I actually believe it has sharpened my concentration. Maybe it's coincidence, but i don't think so. Grade: A
Financial Stability: In a word, sucks. For various reasons, we may have to move within the next three months. We like the house we're in, but may not be able to stay here. We went out house-hunting this weekend and we still believe this is the best value for the money in our area -- space, yard for the dogs, amenities, etc. The commute is still awful, but as long as we're here in this metro area, it's fine. Oh, well, I guess it will work out the way it does, but we're not happy. So, sucks. Grade: D
Weight: Remember the old adage, what goes up must come down? Well, whoever said that hasn't seen my scale recently. I'm heavier than I've ever been, despite dieting all year. What the heck is that about? And remember all those health issues? The liver (diagnosed as "fatty"), the blood pressure (identified as "high")? Well, needless to say, lowered weight would help all those issues. Grade: D
Football: All my teams suck this year. Well, Georgia beat the Hokies last night, and that's a plus, but that's about it. Washington Redskins - losers. Carolina Panthers - losers. Atlanta Falcons - losers, losers, losers. Grade: D
Career: By my age, most people are either (a) successful or (b) getting ready to retire anyway. In my current financial state, I'll be working till I'm 80, and that's assuming I win the lottery. And my current job is driving me crazy. I love it, and I'm pretty good at it, but I live every day in fear that I'll be "position eliminated." At almost 60, I'm scared to death I won't be able to find another job. Grade: C
Writing: I haven't done any in the last year. Nada. Grade: F
Daughters/Family: My family - two daughters, eight grandchildren, four dogs, two sisters, and the semi-spouse - are great. I'm devastated that both my daughters are apparently going to get divorced within the next year. I can't believe they're going to walk down that path of single parenthood that they've always criticized me for, but I support their choices. (My dogs are not going to divorce me -- if anything, they're more committed to me and I to them. This could be because I let them lick the beaters when I make cookies.) The semi-spouse - what can I say? We met 21 years ago next month, and are still together. Some days it's better than others, but we're basically pretty happy together. We would like to end up near the grandchildren in NC, but with the current turmoil in those families, it probably isn't the time. The only negative is his kids. We had a good relationship with his daughter and son-in-law until this year -- I'm not quite sure what happened but things have gone downhill. We'd like to get that relationship back. Grade: A-
Knitting: My knitting, as always, sustains me. Knitting is like a good friend, or a sister. It's there for you when your team is losing, you can take it with you almost anywhere, and it's always different and challenging. I knit when the semi-spouse had knee surgery early this year, and I knit in doctors' waiting rooms while waiting to be told I do (or do not) have a dread disease and am (or am not) going to die quite soon. I have loved being able to knit for others -- Children in Common is one of my favorite charities, but there are others I've knit for this year, and it's been wonderful to have had a way to contribute when I didn't have cash. As much as I've been opposed to the war in Iraq, I've been able to knit 8 or 10 helmet liners for the soldiers in Afghanistan, and this coming year I'll knit Socks for Soldiers. Some little children in the country formerly known as Russia will have warm feet and bodies because of the socks and vests I've made. And some premature babies will have warm heads. And the Atlanta Knitting Guild -- what can I say about that group? I have loved, loved, loved being a part of it. The people are wonderful -- they inspire me every day! And the blog world -- the internet has opened up a whole new community that I love being part of. Grade: A+
Sobriety: 21 years in January. No need to say more. Grade: A+
Friends: Linda and Cathy, Nydia, Whit, Donna. Lots of old friends I've lost touch with - Barbara and Loye, Jack and Irene, Diane and Hal. I need to make amends to Ruth. I haven't spoken to her in about two years now and that's unconscionable. I owe her a letter -- am too afraid of rejection if I call. That will be my first 2007 act -- call Ruth tomorrow. Grade: C
Overall Ranking: 2.41667 = a solid C.
Well, I guess it could be way worse! I'll quit complaining now!
Medical: I have spent my entire life being healthy. Not just being healthy, refusing to even consider not being healthy. While others around me have concerns about their health (real and imagined), I do not consider my health. I'm fine -- just leave me alone, and I'll continue to be fine. No further discussion. Well, this was the year for thinking about my health. Let's see -- first there was the colon cancer scare, then the breast cancer scare, then the high blood pressure scare, then the liver cancer scare (combined with the Hepatitis scare), and, finishing out the year, the esophageal cancer scare. I have had every conceivable medical test known to man and some unknown. Thank God for good insurance because my total out-of-pocket cost was under $400, but a lot of trees died to pay for all the pages added to my file this year. (I still have one more endoscopy for the esophageal thing but that's in 2007, so I'll think about that tomorrow, Scarlet.) Grade: D
Political: I've spent so much of the last six years being angry about the direction our country is going in, and this year's election was a big positive. I'm so offended that we have now lost more soldiers in Iraq than were killed in the Twin Towers, and we've still not caught Bin Laden. Obviously, Saddam Hussein was a very bad man but it's a travesty that we spent all that money and lives on catching and killing him and it's resulted in nothing but embarrassment for us as a nation. As a lifetime Kennedy democrat, I'm obviously excited that democrats now have control of both houses, but really, it's not so much about political parties -- it's about taking power away from the cynical people who have been running our country. Grade: A+
Sudoku: Why does this get its own category? Because, of all the things that have touched my life in a positive way this year, Sudoku is The Bomb! When both of my sisters told me they were doing Sudoku puzzles, I wanted to puke. I'm not a puzzle person, except for crosswords, and I hate games -- all types of games except computer solitaire. (Excluding, of course, the fact that I am a major sports junkie -- non-participatory, of course.) I've moved from doing the very simple ones through the Black Belt book and now I'm working my way through the Sudoku Samurai book. Seriously, I've been worried for some time that I was losing my mind -- not going crazy, but suffering from early Alzheimer's. My memory is shot and it's either that or severe estrogen deprivation. So I regard Sudoku as exercise for my brain, and I actually believe it has sharpened my concentration. Maybe it's coincidence, but i don't think so. Grade: A
Financial Stability: In a word, sucks. For various reasons, we may have to move within the next three months. We like the house we're in, but may not be able to stay here. We went out house-hunting this weekend and we still believe this is the best value for the money in our area -- space, yard for the dogs, amenities, etc. The commute is still awful, but as long as we're here in this metro area, it's fine. Oh, well, I guess it will work out the way it does, but we're not happy. So, sucks. Grade: D
Weight: Remember the old adage, what goes up must come down? Well, whoever said that hasn't seen my scale recently. I'm heavier than I've ever been, despite dieting all year. What the heck is that about? And remember all those health issues? The liver (diagnosed as "fatty"), the blood pressure (identified as "high")? Well, needless to say, lowered weight would help all those issues. Grade: D
Football: All my teams suck this year. Well, Georgia beat the Hokies last night, and that's a plus, but that's about it. Washington Redskins - losers. Carolina Panthers - losers. Atlanta Falcons - losers, losers, losers. Grade: D
Career: By my age, most people are either (a) successful or (b) getting ready to retire anyway. In my current financial state, I'll be working till I'm 80, and that's assuming I win the lottery. And my current job is driving me crazy. I love it, and I'm pretty good at it, but I live every day in fear that I'll be "position eliminated." At almost 60, I'm scared to death I won't be able to find another job. Grade: C
Writing: I haven't done any in the last year. Nada. Grade: F
Daughters/Family: My family - two daughters, eight grandchildren, four dogs, two sisters, and the semi-spouse - are great. I'm devastated that both my daughters are apparently going to get divorced within the next year. I can't believe they're going to walk down that path of single parenthood that they've always criticized me for, but I support their choices. (My dogs are not going to divorce me -- if anything, they're more committed to me and I to them. This could be because I let them lick the beaters when I make cookies.) The semi-spouse - what can I say? We met 21 years ago next month, and are still together. Some days it's better than others, but we're basically pretty happy together. We would like to end up near the grandchildren in NC, but with the current turmoil in those families, it probably isn't the time. The only negative is his kids. We had a good relationship with his daughter and son-in-law until this year -- I'm not quite sure what happened but things have gone downhill. We'd like to get that relationship back. Grade: A-
Knitting: My knitting, as always, sustains me. Knitting is like a good friend, or a sister. It's there for you when your team is losing, you can take it with you almost anywhere, and it's always different and challenging. I knit when the semi-spouse had knee surgery early this year, and I knit in doctors' waiting rooms while waiting to be told I do (or do not) have a dread disease and am (or am not) going to die quite soon. I have loved being able to knit for others -- Children in Common is one of my favorite charities, but there are others I've knit for this year, and it's been wonderful to have had a way to contribute when I didn't have cash. As much as I've been opposed to the war in Iraq, I've been able to knit 8 or 10 helmet liners for the soldiers in Afghanistan, and this coming year I'll knit Socks for Soldiers. Some little children in the country formerly known as Russia will have warm feet and bodies because of the socks and vests I've made. And some premature babies will have warm heads. And the Atlanta Knitting Guild -- what can I say about that group? I have loved, loved, loved being a part of it. The people are wonderful -- they inspire me every day! And the blog world -- the internet has opened up a whole new community that I love being part of. Grade: A+
Sobriety: 21 years in January. No need to say more. Grade: A+
Friends: Linda and Cathy, Nydia, Whit, Donna. Lots of old friends I've lost touch with - Barbara and Loye, Jack and Irene, Diane and Hal. I need to make amends to Ruth. I haven't spoken to her in about two years now and that's unconscionable. I owe her a letter -- am too afraid of rejection if I call. That will be my first 2007 act -- call Ruth tomorrow. Grade: C
Overall Ranking: 2.41667 = a solid C.
Well, I guess it could be way worse! I'll quit complaining now!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Burned Out?
I have always fought the idea that I might be depressed. I grew up in a family marked by mental illness -- my mother and her father both suffered from it -- and at least one of my family members (and several, if we're being honest about it) take antidepressants. So I could be excused if I claimed that depression is the cause of my general screwedupedness. But I fight the concept, while secretly wishing there was a magic substance that might cure it all and make me normal, successful, happy.
Depression connotes some chemical imbalance, something that's up that should be down. A frailty, if you like. An excuse, even. And it connotes my mother. Not to pick on her, but her battle with mental illness, diagnosed in the 50's as paranoid schizophrenia and treated with an ever-changing string of drugs, impacted every aspect of her life, and that of my family. So I'm not complaining, just saying I'm not anxious to align myself with that particular trick of DNA if I don't have to.
But, on the other hand, if I'm not clinically depressed, there's just no way around it --I 'm just a fuckup, apparently. I'm almost 60, with a long history of just general what-were-you-thinking behavior paired with well-you-didn't-do-that-either-did-you?. And no excuse for it. Well, for awhile I could blame it on drinking, but I haven't had a drink in over 20 years (it will be 21 on January 11, God willing and the creek don't rise), so that's out.
So imagine my glee to see on the Today show last week that what I have is Burnout. Burnout -- so innocent sounding, but obviously potentially devastating. So, a little research. From one website (one offering a cure, needless to say):
- Chronic fatigue - exhaustion, tiredness, a sense of being physically run down
- Anger at those making demands (well, duh!)
- Self-criticism for putting up with the demands (oh, yeah)
- Cynicism, negativity, and irritability
- A sense of being besieged
- Exploding easily at seemingly inconsequential things (what the hell are you talking about!)
- Frequent headaches and gastrointestinal disturbances
- Weight loss or gain
- Sleeplessness and depression
- Shortness of breath
- Suspiciousness
- Feelings of helplessness
- Increased degree of risk taking
(From www.assessment.com - no association or endorsement, just trying to avoid a copyright complaint)
So, I score 100%, although to be perfectly honest, I think the weight gain and shortness of breath might be related to too much fast food and not enough exercise. But I definitely have the feelings of helplessness and being besieged.
Here's another definition from another website (also a self-help for a price site) and a quote:
"According to Herbert J. Freudenberger, the New York psychologist who coined the term in 1972, burnout describes a specific condition. It is an emotional state characterized by an overwhelming and enduring feeling of exhaustion or aggravation. Burnout is a condition that develops gradually as the person's creativity and effectiveness erode into fatigue, skepticism and an inability to function productively."
"An overburdened, over-stretched executive is the best executive, because he or she doesn't have the time to meddle, to deal in trivia, to bother people."~ Jack Welch ~
(From www.coachtree.com - ditto to above comment)
Well, the Welch quote is probably relevant because work lately hasn't been very fun, and our executives are Welch-enthusiasts. I love my job, but we're stretched tighter and tighter as we cut costs (and headcount). This year, even our performance review templates mention it -- something like, " have you communicated our company vision to your employees, reminding them that we've raised the bar, again?"
Yup, we've raised the bar again. We're doing more with less, honing processes to be more cost-effective and more productive, cutting costs. We don't want our customers to feel the pinch, and they shouldn't, but it does put pressure on the employees. This year was pretty tough. My group's goals were high -- but no higher than other similar groups -- and we cut costs, including resources, tools, and travel. We made about 75% of our goals, plus completed two or three major goals that weren't even contemplated when the goals were identified. But there's a little added stress, because ...
I'm going to be rated on meeting those goals, and I didn't. And that's stressful. And the coming year will be even tighter, assuming that I'm not one of the headcount that gets cut. Add to that the stress of some housing and money-related issues we're facing right now, the health-related issues I've had this year, and the stress of family issues, and, yes, I'm burned out.
So it's nice to have a diagnosis. Now, the question is, what next?
Depression connotes some chemical imbalance, something that's up that should be down. A frailty, if you like. An excuse, even. And it connotes my mother. Not to pick on her, but her battle with mental illness, diagnosed in the 50's as paranoid schizophrenia and treated with an ever-changing string of drugs, impacted every aspect of her life, and that of my family. So I'm not complaining, just saying I'm not anxious to align myself with that particular trick of DNA if I don't have to.
But, on the other hand, if I'm not clinically depressed, there's just no way around it --I 'm just a fuckup, apparently. I'm almost 60, with a long history of just general what-were-you-thinking behavior paired with well-you-didn't-do-that-either-did-you?. And no excuse for it. Well, for awhile I could blame it on drinking, but I haven't had a drink in over 20 years (it will be 21 on January 11, God willing and the creek don't rise), so that's out.
So imagine my glee to see on the Today show last week that what I have is Burnout. Burnout -- so innocent sounding, but obviously potentially devastating. So, a little research. From one website (one offering a cure, needless to say):
- Chronic fatigue - exhaustion, tiredness, a sense of being physically run down
- Anger at those making demands (well, duh!)
- Self-criticism for putting up with the demands (oh, yeah)
- Cynicism, negativity, and irritability
- A sense of being besieged
- Exploding easily at seemingly inconsequential things (what the hell are you talking about!)
- Frequent headaches and gastrointestinal disturbances
- Weight loss or gain
- Sleeplessness and depression
- Shortness of breath
- Suspiciousness
- Feelings of helplessness
- Increased degree of risk taking
(From www.assessment.com - no association or endorsement, just trying to avoid a copyright complaint)
So, I score 100%, although to be perfectly honest, I think the weight gain and shortness of breath might be related to too much fast food and not enough exercise. But I definitely have the feelings of helplessness and being besieged.
Here's another definition from another website (also a self-help for a price site) and a quote:
"According to Herbert J. Freudenberger, the New York psychologist who coined the term in 1972, burnout describes a specific condition. It is an emotional state characterized by an overwhelming and enduring feeling of exhaustion or aggravation. Burnout is a condition that develops gradually as the person's creativity and effectiveness erode into fatigue, skepticism and an inability to function productively."
"An overburdened, over-stretched executive is the best executive, because he or she doesn't have the time to meddle, to deal in trivia, to bother people."~ Jack Welch ~
(From www.coachtree.com - ditto to above comment)
Well, the Welch quote is probably relevant because work lately hasn't been very fun, and our executives are Welch-enthusiasts. I love my job, but we're stretched tighter and tighter as we cut costs (and headcount). This year, even our performance review templates mention it -- something like, " have you communicated our company vision to your employees, reminding them that we've raised the bar, again?"
Yup, we've raised the bar again. We're doing more with less, honing processes to be more cost-effective and more productive, cutting costs. We don't want our customers to feel the pinch, and they shouldn't, but it does put pressure on the employees. This year was pretty tough. My group's goals were high -- but no higher than other similar groups -- and we cut costs, including resources, tools, and travel. We made about 75% of our goals, plus completed two or three major goals that weren't even contemplated when the goals were identified. But there's a little added stress, because ...
I'm going to be rated on meeting those goals, and I didn't. And that's stressful. And the coming year will be even tighter, assuming that I'm not one of the headcount that gets cut. Add to that the stress of some housing and money-related issues we're facing right now, the health-related issues I've had this year, and the stress of family issues, and, yes, I'm burned out.
So it's nice to have a diagnosis. Now, the question is, what next?
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